FIRING MY TEACHER

When I was just a teenage witch
My homeroom teacher was a b*tch.

Mrs. Crank lied I was late
Her scratchy voice was filled with hate
So I stood up, then I just left
She screamed that I would get an F.

She always tried to look so sweet
But I could smell her rotting feet.
Her flowery breath and sweet perfume
Were tricks to hide her stench of doom.

Her nails were painted with red blood
Her eyes were lined with guano mud.
She said that I was an outsider
So I used my evil spider.

She didn’t know I put him there
Nestled right inside her hair.
One small bite launched my worst curse
Soon she was gone inside a hearse.

She was a demon, I could tell,
I had to send her back to hell.
Afterwards I taught the class
And made them kiss my sweet green ass.

Yes, it’s true. What can I say?
Ugly Bugly saved the day!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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POSTHUMOUS BREAK-UP

You’ve changed, my love
You’re so thin skinned

It’s just not working for me anymore
You always seem to have a bone to pick

You’ve always said you only have eyes for me
But when’s the last time your really saw me

It seems like you’re chained to your work
And we never go anywhere

When I say you’re the only one I love
You just give me that vacant stare

I feel so alone
We never talk anymore

Well, guess what? I am done talking!

I think we should start seeing other people.
Well, say something.
Oh, you are heartless.

I want a divorce.
You’re not even half the man I married.

I’ll be staying at my mothers.
Don’t call me.

And you might want to take a shower once in awhile!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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I LOVE NANO TOOLS

I wish you all had skin that’s green
Then you all wouldn’t be so mean
Not that I care
Or it makes me swear
I just think it would be super keen

Ishino or Doudna
Jesus or Buddha
Who settles these wars I don’t know
But I do love my CRISPR
So now we should whisper
Or you and your friends have to go

Give me some credit
Your genes I can edit
With magic, enchantments, and spells
But I’m not a cheater
And CRISPR is neater
So back off, I’m raiding your cells

Green skin soon will be
In your family tree
So no more pink babies for you
Your own little “Bugly”
I say this quite smugly
Its first word to you will be BOO!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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MOM-DAD

My dad’s too short
My mom’s too tall
His head’s too fat
Her feet too small

His eyes are blue
Hers are brown
A crooked smile
A crooked frown

She’s too dark
He’s too white
She can’t punch
He can’t bite

What’s a witch 
Supposed to do
The problem is
That there are two

My magic worked
I know it’s bad
But now I have just
One “Mom-Dad”

Its legs are hairy
Its feet are big
It doesn’t need
To wear a wig

It can cook
And it can fight
I love Mom-Dad
With all my might

One small spell
I fixed it all
If your folks suck
Give me a call

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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MY GHOUL RUDY

I picked him from a line-up
And then I called my coven.
We spelled him up for seven days
Then put him in the oven.

We hid him in the basement
So his corpse could simmer.
I hope he looks just like Keith May,
But likely he’ll be dimmer.

My witchy scheme is intricate,
Like “Wife Swap" on TV:
She will live with Rudy,
Keith May will live with me.

Rudy is a little dense
And acts just like a baby.
He obeys my every word.
I think I’ll miss him, maybe.

He doesn’t have a Chevy
But we could steal theirs.
I like the way he never talks
And mostly sits and stares.

Keith May jabbers all the time,
Nothing like my Rudy.
Cuz I cooked him I’m obliged
Rudy is my duty.

I’ll make a deal to take the car
And leave the rest alone.
Then I’ll marry Rudy,
A husband of my own!

I’ll proffer this proposal
In a nasty letter.
I know it will break Keith May’s heart,
But I like Rudy better.

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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STOP THE SNEEZE

If you are a proper witch
You always have a pet
A crow, a cat, a little bat
A fish that you keep wet

But there’s one pet that witches know
It’s teensy and its green
We keep it secret all the time
Or it will snarl and scream

It looks just like a demon
And lives inside your nose
It likes to eat fresh bakery
And wear all purple clothes

It eats our slimy boogers
Just to stay alive
But if we sneeze it flies right out
And seldom can survive

They were rare to start with
But now almost extinct
If there is much more Covid
They’re gone in just a blink

So help the booger-eaters
They’re really not that mean
It’s up to you to save them
So get your next vaccine

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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DEMON PETS

My demon dog and demon cat
Love me more than meat,
And that’s not sayin’ nuthin’.
It’s their favorite treat!

They’re so wild and wicked
And even scare a ghost.
Their spooky, vacant, glowing eyes
Are what I love the most.

The demon cat is evil and
Demon dog is gloom.
To me he is a lot more fun
Cuz he will fetch my broom.

Demon cat won’t drink her milk and
She won’t eat her food.
She says that she must hunt it fresh
To elevate her mood.

These demons would make creepy pets
And they have ticks and bugs
The kids will like them so much more
Than your dogs Reg and Pugs.

I’ll put them in a big old box.
They’ll be so very snugly.
I’ll send them first class to the kids,
A gift from Ugly Bugly!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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MY ZOMBIE HEARTBREAK

Come and meet my Zombie
His friends all call him Fred
He’s a rather friendly thing
Aside from being dead

I think he is quite handsome
Except, of course, his head.
He really needs a Covid mask
To cover where he bled

He has such pretty, bright blue eyes
And still has all his teeth
I like his lovely rotting skin
On top and underneath

I thought we would be lovers
My necro-fun affair
He bites on all my fingers
And likes to chew my hair

When he chomped my left ear off
It kind of broke the deal
He’s just not romantic
To him I’m just a meal

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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I AM AN ENTREPRENEUR

I finished my altMBA
Cuz I am very smart.
Godin said I am the best
It really touched my heart.

My business plan is very cool,
My strategies are great.
I’ll launch my product in five days
I’m shipping on that date!

I made a purple cow last week:
This morning it was dead.
I have a versatile lynchpin
Cuz that’s what Godin said.

I conjured twenty customers
And gave them each a bribe.
They do whatever I say now
Because they are my tribe.

Yes, trust and authenticity,
I’m sure I got all that.
I’ll ask for their permission,
The “no’s” I’ll turn to rats.

I thought up a great slogan
To keep from going south:
U-BUG’S CIGGIE PIZZA
A BIG BUTT IN YOUR MOUTH

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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ARK STEW

When chaos was loosed
In the form of a flood
I told my friend Noah
His ark was a dud

He’d packed two of each
To restock the earth 
But for killing and eating
There was but a dirth.

So I conjured some clones
And I brewed up a stew
The eyeballs and fish 
Made a colorful goo

Then to my shock
I heard it cry “mommy”
Quite by mistake
I’d cloned little Tommy

Now what should I do?
Boys are so sour
My stew was quite ruined
And we eat in an hour

I salted his tummy
Then peppered his head
I told him to swim
Or soon he’d be dead

He paddled and kicked
Until he was saved
On the edge of the pot
Where he gave me a wave

I lifted him up
After hearing his plea
I fed him some stew
And now he is free

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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MY CRYSTAL BALL

This is a caution
For you and for all:
Soon Granny will fall
Right into a wall.

She’s done it before,
But this time it’s worse.
The wall is a portal
And part of a curse.

She will be trapped there
And no one can hear
Her screaming for help
As she cowers with fear.

She’ll notice a hole
That’s so very small,
Too tiny for her
Cuz she is too tall.

She’ll reach in her hand
And feel a cold key,
Then a vampire’s bite
Like the sting of a bee.

She’ll pull out her hand
And run to the door.
The bite makes her sick,
She falls to the floor.

She crawls to the door
As she starts to bawl.
Magical writing
Appears on the wall.

It says she has lost:
Keith May loves the witch.
The rest of her life
Will be in a ditch.

It is super true,
I know you are pissed,
But Granny is gone
And she won’t be missed.

She is a vampire.
I saw her downfall.
I see everything
In my crystal ball!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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THE SMELL OF LOVE

He loves to ride his carpet
And dress in fancy clothes
He has a thing for zippers
Because he can’t tie bows

They say he is a genie
His shoes have pointed toes
He hid his magic genie lamp
The place, he won’t disclose

His sits and waits in silence
To subdue his foes
The one who took his girlfriend
Is who he mostly loathes

You never steal a genie’s chick
As everybody knows
Especially when he’s ready now
To kneel down and propose

She’s the sultan’s daughter
He gave her a red rose
She flushed it down the toilet
And this I will disclose

It’s been five weeks of sitting there
In that same strange pose
The girl says he’s disgusting
It’s time he changed his clothes

He smells like camel carcass
That’s surely decomposed.
I’ll never love a genie
Who so offends my nose.

This tale of love and putrid smells
Simply to us shows
Waiting still and silent
Just creates more woes

(And hang an air freshener on those diapers, man)!

by Ugly Bugly the Witch-Poet

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UGLY BUGLY RETIRES

It’s a sad day
My witching is done
I’ll stop making mischief
I’m ending the fun

I shred all my spells
And hung up my hat
I freed all my monkeys
And kissed my best bat

I took off my cape
On a peg it will rest
I gave it my all
I gave you my best

My broom is retired
And now so am I
Alas, I must say
I love you
Good-bye

Yours forever,

Ugly Bugly

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