My Very Short Roller Derby Career
I have loved roller-skating since my childhood, so it was only natural I would resurrect this passion when cardio and weights at the gym were getting stale.
Recently, a fellow skater who admired my speed, asked if I would be interested in joining the Roller Derby-Senior Class for age 50 and over. Light contact. No body checking. I said “yes,” and became a proud member of the “Grey Gladiators” aka “Glads” (even though I was now the oldest gal on the rink).
I trained for several weeks to get used to the rules and techniques. Learned a few cool tricks. Our first game was Friday night and this is when things went awry.
A horrible woman on the West Bend team decided to set her sites on taking me out. Picture Rosie O’Donnell in a Donald Trump rage. I can’t even tell you the names she called me. In one of our first circuits, she kicked my shin with her skate and I almost went down. Unfortunately, the refs did not see it.
She grabbed my shirt and tried to hurl me into the rails.
She pulled the braid on the back of my head so hard, I almost fell backwards.
And then she body checked me into the wall and held me there while she screamed profanities into my face. So, I did what any self-respecting competitor would do with an out-of-control skater and incompetent refs...
I head-butted her. Hard.
She went down, out cold.
I got a 3 inch split in my forehead from the impact. Blood gushing all over her as she lay at my feet.
I got a trip to the ER to get a glue patch fortified with steri-strips.
I got a very bad crack to the bridge of my nose.
I got brain injury precautions for two days.
I got expelled from the team.
And I think I’m getting an assault charge.
I hope the bruising lasts until Friday cuz I’m pretty sure I’ll get some free drinks too.
So...
How was your week-end?
You may have thought this was enough trauma for awhile, but it was only the beginning. You can read the rest of the story here.
READER ALERT: The Internet Monitoring Consortium has determined there is a 98% probability this post is fake news. According to the author’s husband, she smashed her head into a concrete wall during an ill-fated trip to the grocery store. He claims his wife believes every good injury deserves a good story, but refused to refute or confirm our findings. Please enjoy this bit of blarney in honor of St. Patrick.