Labels for Phenomena | Dish Towels & Diapers
One of the ongoing mini-struggles of my life is an exaggerated sense of my own agency. I think I have the power to influence or control things I really can’t - at least not to the level I imagine. But over the years, the kicks and bumps of life have taught me to work on calibrating my potential impact more reasonably.
I often wonder if this is an “oldest child” phenomenon caused by growing up believing the care of others is my duty and their outcomes are my responsibility.
Or maybe it’s a “Roman Catholic” phenomenon. I remember wanting so much to be saintly when I was a girl. I would wear a cloth diaper or flour sack dish towel over my head to simulate a coif and veil, then I would do sacrifices. I would walk on rocks and pine needles, clean something to surprise my mom, do kindnesses for my little brothers and sisters. I loved praying on my knees with my head raised to the sky. “Make me an instrument of thy love.” I understood my purpose. (Sounds crazy, I know).
Or perhaps it’s just a “human” phenomenon. There is something attractive to most everyone about those who seem tranquil and holy. I often imagine if I could just get everything caught up, cleaned up, and quiet, I would feel serene all the time living in my own little monastery with Keith.
At this point in my life, things are about as clean and caught as they will ever get and I don’t feel that elusive peace. Truth is - well, my truth anyway - is that I don’t really want to stop being in this world. No mountaintops. No ashrams. No cloisters.
I love the noise and mess of my life.
So my goal has gradually shifted. I no longer seek to transcend day-to-day life or to create a still environment.
I just want to transcend my own ego and create stillness in me.
And if I can manage to carry that stillness with me, I don’t have to keep looking for it as I muck through the mud and maybe plant something that will be beautiful someday.
I think that is probably an “old age” phenomenon when we stop living in our environment and start living in ourselves.
(I have a huge stash of flour cloth dish towels just in case it doesn’t work).
“For if the person shifts their caution to their own reasoned choices and the acts of those choices, they will at the same time gain the will to avoid, but if they shift their caution away from their own reasoned choices to things not under their control, seeking to avoid what is controlled by others, they will then be agitated, fearful, and unstable.”