Vampire Day
It was a dreary afternoon. My first class of Witch School this year was about to commence. Stupid Granny teaches it because I am not allowed in the house, but I watch from outside. It started much like the other years. The girls weren’t sure what to expect other than after-school treats. They were a little surprised by the blood jello and road kill lunchables, but they tried not to show it. They were hungry and the possum bologna was delicious.
THE VERMIN KINGS OF LIFE AND DEATH
After they were properly nourished, it was time to introduce The Vampire Rat who represents life, and The Vampire Rat Skeleton who represents death. As you know Vampires are both alive and dead so it was necessary that they both attend our session despite their past disputes.
Each of my two students was assigned to the care and feeding of one of these honored creatures. Unfortunately, Lilly’s Vampire Rat Skeleton only wanted to be fed her fingers, while The Vampire Rat only cared for sitting on Presley’s head and farting into her hair.
A TASTE OF BLOOD WINE
Once a bond of eternal trust was built between the Vampire Rats and their servants, my two protégés opened their first gift — their spanking new vampire teeth! They never looked prettier. They also donned their vampire capes in preparation for our mission of evil — to conjure 13 vampires. But first, they were required to drink some fresh, warm blood wine without crying or puking. This was a test of their fortitude, for vampire conjuring is not for the faint-hearted. They eat a lot of sushi so this didn’t phase them one bit. I was so proud.
Lilly was given a vampire headband which would allow her to read the minds of the 13 vampires while we were making their heads. In this way, she could tell how hungry for blood they were, and whether they had anyone special’s blood in mind.
Presley was given a skull necklace adorned with purple bead jewels. This allowed her to tame and calm the vampire heads so they did not get too riled up before being fully conjured. They took their duties seriously and checked in with the many heads as the evening progressed.
UGLY BUGLY’S VAMPIRE CONJURING RECIPE
Make 13 donuts using ground skeleton bone flour.
Fry them in the fat of famous opera singers.
Insert teeth from the jaws of capuchin monkeys.
Paint black hair on their head using flavored tar pitch. Be sure to include a widow’s peak for cuteness.
Affix petrified frog eyeballs on the vampire heads using a dab of frosting.
Drain blood from Stupid Granny and allow it to coagulate slightly. Garnish the teeth with the blood.
Incantation: PLUS SANGUIS
When the vampire heads have been prepared, identify unsuspecting humans who will accept the gift of donuts but are so disciplined, they are unlikely to eat them before midnight. If they are eaten before midnight, the vampire heads will not grow bodies. Stupid Granny ate one. We dropped four off at Uncle Dan and Aunt Maggie’s house. And these little witches in the making took six to their family, perhaps not understanding their loved ones would be drained of all their blood by morning. Oh, well.
FANTASTIC PARTING GIFTS
To thank the girls for their spooky diligence and creepy bravery they were given several gifts from me. They also were given a mission to accomplish before next week’s class if possible. Some of the gifts were supplies for that mission. See, Witch School is like a real school: homework and unqualified teachers who make the good ones look bad. Yes, Stupid Granny. I AM talking about YOU!
The kids loved their Pokemon Oreo cookies. There are 16 different characters on the cookies with the Mew character being the rarest - selling for hundreds of dollars. As you can see, they are examining each cookie for a Mew. I think perhaps I will manifest a MEW. They are small, pink mythical creatures. I think that would excite and delight them. “Siri, add Mew to my “to do” list.”
EVIL MISSION OF THE WEEK
Funfetti Halloween cake mix and frosting with sprinkles are a delight to any self-respecting witch, but when coupled with a secret mission, they become even more enchanting. In addition to these baking supplies, I gave them a witch’s magic baking cloth. It is the size of a standard tablecloth and keeps the magic off your counters, which can be as troublesome as coronavirus. I also gave them a vampire coffin cake pan.
MISSION: Make a vampire coffin cake. Use crushed Oreo cookies for surrounding dirt so it looks like a fresh grave. I can’t wait to see it.
PUMPKIN PIE TIME
After the blood jello and roadkill Lunchables, you’d think they wouldn’t be hungry, but I knew they would be. A little pumpkin pie with topping filled the craving and paid homage to the venerable jack-o-lantern wannabe’s. Then it was time for the little witches to go home for supper.
“And we lived happily ever after”