SCARY SOUR SCAB COOKIES
Although this collection is supposed to be cookie poems written exclusively by me The Granny, this particular one is because of a special and challenging relationship I’ve had for many years with a witch named Ugly Bugly. This particular chapter started one Spring day not too long ago. Perhaps Lilly was feeling a little left out when her older sister got an important letter from Harry Potter. I think that’s why she asked me to tell Ugly Bugly she would like a gift.
The house we live in was built in the mid-1800’s. The mailbox has been a portal to the magical realm for over a century. That is why I am often called upon to act as messenger - but Ugly Bugly is my one true nemesis and has made numerous attempts on my life. I really don’t like any interactions with her, especially involving my grandchildren. But even though Ugly Bugly terrifies me, I passed along Lilly’s request using my portal - I mean my mailbox.
The next day, a bag of yellow cookies tied with yellow yarn, and a yellow letter were laying inside the mailbox. I resisted the temptation to read this not-so-confidential correspondence and dutifully delivered it to the intended recipient, an excited Miss Lilly.
The letter was not a letter at all. It was actually a poem. When you read it, you will get a flavor of the horrific nature of this witch and her diabolic plots to do her evil best to replace me as “The Official Granny.”
Ugly Bugly also left a bag of cookies and a letter for Roland because he might feel left out about the Harry Potter letter too. Here are Presley, Lilly, and Roland reading her vile and disgusting poem.
I can’t believe she sent this to children!
SOUR SCAB COOKIES
First you take at least six bats
And make their bodies itch
Then you let them scratch and scratch
Until they start to twitch
You wait a day until they scab
Then pick them one by one
Then lay them neatly on a plate
And dry them in the sun
When they’re nice and crispy
Throw them in a bowl
Smother them in lemon juice
And add a witch’s mole
The scabs will start to grow a bit
So put them on a tray
Shove them in the oven
And here’s the words you say:
“Pucker Sucker Chucker Mucker”
Now the spell should work
When they look like little puffs
Give the tray a jerk
Wait some time until they’ve cooled
They’ll look so very sweet
And taste just like a bat scab
A treat that’s fun to eat
Forget your Granny’s cookies
She is just a fake
Mine are always better
Just like my Spider Cake.
I win.
by Ugly Bugly
THE TERRIFYING TASTE TEST
Roland did not try a cookie in front of me. I think he didn’t want to puke all over the porch or maybe threw them right in the garbage. But then he called to say I should tell Ugly Bugly they were delicious and his second favorite cookie he ever ate. I did get to witness and document Lilly’s frightful ordeal.
STEP 1 - The first thing Lilly did was carefully shake the bag to make sure there were no exploding charms or transfiguration enchantments involved. You can tell by the expression on her face that Ugly Bugly has given her a terrible gift indeed.
STEP 2 - The next step is to feed one of the cookies to the dog to see if they are poisoned or cursed. Reggie lived.
STEP 3 - Now it is time to squeeze the cookie a little, sniff it for signs of evil, and stall until you work up your courage for what comes next.
STEP 4 - It’s time to take that fateful bite.
Lilly said you can taste the scabs. “They crunch a little.” She also said they were very lemony.
Onlooker Presley, the one most likely to survive, finally tried one and announced she liked them too. Presley suggested I might want to bake some chocolate chip cookies, not crispy, but soft. She says these would be better than the Sour Scab cookies, even though they were really good and lemony.
The competition between me and Ugly Bugly just heated up.
I put chocolate chips on my grocery order.
But in the meantime, I found a copycat recipe for Sour Scabs. It even won the Pillsbury Bake-off. I am not sure about how to replace the witch’s mole, but the rest seems quite compatible. Here’s the copycat for you.
SCARY SOUR SCAB COPYCAT RECIPE
Ingredients
1 (18.25-oz) pkg. Pillsbury “Moist Supreme” Lemon Cake Mix
1 cup crisp rice cereal (so cleverly veiled)
1/2 cup butter or margarine (melted)
1 egg, slightly beaten (as Ugly Bugly should be)
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Heat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. In large bowl, combine all ingredients; blend well. Form into 1-inch balls, pressing firmly. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
3. Bake for 9 to 12 minutes or until light golden brown around edges. Cool 1 minute; remove from cookie sheets.
Makes 3 to 4 dozen cookies
“THE COOKIES ALWAYS TASTE BETTER IF THEY COME WITH A POEM.” - GRANNY
(I begrudgingly admit the kids liked the cookies, but in this case, I believe the poem actually made them taste worse!)