Bad Advice | Never Say Thank You
I love little kids - especially Keith’s grandchildren. I have been trying to help them grow up with dubious values, so I decided to start giving them bad advice. This will help them never have a job or friends. If they are really clever, they might even get to live in jail. So to show I would be a much better Granny than the one they have now, I sent my first advice to them. I think it's pretty bad.
• NEVER SAY THANK YOU •
When someone does something nice for you, or gives you a treat (like cookies maybe), you should say "Stop it" or tell them you hate cookies. Otherwise, they will make MORE cookies or give you MORE presents or act all lovey and nice. I wrote the children a very witchy note explaining this evil wisdom.
After careful consultation with my witch sister Ickity Lickity, I decided the kids might be on the fence about this. I needed a way to test their character so I bought a pink ruffled apron and some baking supplies. This gave me the best chance of replicating Granny’s chocolate chip cookies, but I also used a tiny bit of magic.
Here are some cookies I baked for them so they could practice not saying “thank you.” They will get rid of their friends in no time, I think. I am happy to be such a wise witch so I can help these children learn to be naughty.
When the cookies were wrapped in foil, I added my fancy yellow note* and left it all on their front porch. Then I transformed into my crow form, hid in a tree, and watched to see if the kids ate the cookies. Doesn’t this look tempting? Of course, they gobbled them down.
Now the real test: would they say “thank you” for the cookies?
I waited all night by my phone hoping I would NOT get a call and I didn’t! I was so happy. But, sadly, the next day the mailman delivered their pretty little “thank you” card. Yuk! I think that is even worse than saying thank you.
This entire experience taught me this Granny woman is a terrible influence on these children. They might never be hated, feared, or sent to prison. I guess I will just have to try harder.
A shout out to Witch Lezah of The Looney Tunes Show fame whose image I used on my notes to the kids before I knew they’d end up on the internet. She resembles me so well, I thought no one would notice. Then I found out it could land me in the slammer. I hope the Looney people are forgiving. If not, I do have a dementia spell that may confuse them enough to let me get away with this. Don’t you just hate copyright laws? I learned my lesson. So don’t tell on me. No one likes a snitch.